Road sign sa Commonwealth Avenue, Diliman, Quezon City. Nice, hehe!

Nagbabagang Balita!!!

*dalawang kalbo,nag-sabunutan.

* Capt. Hook dumaan sa Quiapo, pinirata!!

* Palaisdaan, nasunog!!

* Tahanang Walang Hagdan, inakyat!!

* Bakla sumali sa away, napasubo!!

* Bagong tuli nagyabang, lumaki ang ulo!!

* Unanong madre, napagkamalang penguin!!

* Bulag nakapatay, nagdilim daw ang paningin!!

* Iceman nanood ng porno, nag-init!!

* Tindera ng suka, tinoyo!!

* Teacher nagkamali, tinuruan ng leksyon!!

* Lolo naakusahang nang-rape, pero sa korte….biktima ayaw tumayo!!

* Eroplano nag-crash, lahat ng pasahero namatay sabi ng mga survivor!!

* Basurero nagsampa ng kaso, binasura!!

* Dahil may reklamo, eskwelahan ng mga bingi nag-noise barrage!!

* Tubero, nagka-tulo!!

* Lalaki natagpuang pugot ang ulo, inaalam pa kung buhay!!

* Barbero tumestigo sa krimen, ayaw paniwalaan!!

* Misis ng photographer, nakunan!!

* Tindera ng tubig, namatay sa uhaw!!

* Kaso ng pilay, nilalakad!!

Ang makatang sampay-bakod

Here’s something for your coffee break……….

BUTI PA SIYA

Buti pa ang kalendaryo, may date Buti pa ang Hersheys, may kisses Buti pa ang probability, may chance YUNG IBANG TAO, WALA.

Buti pa ang Paranaque, may BF Buti pa ang farm, may chicks Buti pa ang halaman, may nagaalaga YUNG IBANG TAO, WALA.

Buti pa ang nitso, may bulaklak Buti pa ang patay, may dumadalaw Buti pa ang prisoner, binabantayan YUNG IBANG TAO, BALIWALA.

Buti pa ang tennis, may love Buti pa ang bees, may honey Buti pa ang Chemistry, may lab YUNG IBANG TAO, WALA.

Buti pa ang telepono, hini-hello Buti pa ang film, nadi-develop Buti pa ang typewriter, nata-type-pan YUNG IBANG TAO, HINDI.

Buti pa ang exams, sinasagot Buti pa ang problema, iniisip Buti pa ang assignment, inu-uwi YUNG IBANG TAO, HINDI.

Buti pa ang panyo, nadadantayan ng pisngi Buti pa ang baso, dinadampian ng labiButi pa ang unan, inaakap sa gabi YUNG IBANG TAO, HINDI PUEDE.

Buti pa ang kamalian, napapansin Buti pa ang salamin, minamasdan Buti pa ang hininga, hinahabol YUNG IBANG TAO, HINDI

Buti pa ang tindera, nagpapatawad Buti pa ang awit at tugtog, pinagsasama Buti pa ang sugat, inaalagaan YUNG IBANG TAO, HINDI

Buti pa ang lungs, malapit sa puso Buti pa ang bra, kakabit ng dibdib Buti pa ang kotse, mahal YUNG IBANG TAO, HINDI

Buti pa ang pera, ini-ingatan Buti pa ang mahjong, sinasalat Buti pa ang damo, dinidiligan YUNG IBA DIYAN, HINDI

Buti pa ang sobre, nadidilaan Buti pa ang susi, naipapasok Buti pa ang itlog, binabati YUNG SA IBA DIYAN, HINDI

Buti pa ang doorbell, pinipindot Buti pa ang keyboard, napi-finger Buti pa ang bola, nilalaro YUNG SA IBA DIYAN, HINDI

BUTI PA………… MAGTRABAHO KA NA AT BAKA MASISANTE KA PA.

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something.

The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.

He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.

When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”

“And what about the men?” the minister asked.

“They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”

Yesterday, I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam.

Of course I was a bit on edge, because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.

The waiting room was filled with patients. 

As I approached the receptionist’s desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

I gave her my name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, “YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?”   

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man.   

But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,  

”NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”

The room erupted in applause!

DON’T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!!!

Just received Oxford Dictionary’s latest definition of the following words. lease update your online dictionary.

DEFINITIONS :

* Divorce : Future tense of marriage.

* Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.

* Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through “the minds of either”

* Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

* Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest Piece.

* Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power.

* Dictionary : A place where success comes before work.

* Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

* Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

* Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

* Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

* Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

* Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

* Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

* Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

* Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.

*  Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

* Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

*  Opportunist : A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

* Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway, “See I am not injured yet.”

* Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

* Father : A banker provided by nature.

* Criminal : A guy no different from the rest….except that he got caught.

* Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

* Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

* Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Interesting statistics

1. In a recent Harris online poll 38,562 men across the US were asked to identify woman’s ultimate fantasy. 97.8% of the respondents said that a woman’s ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

2. Eighty percent of married Filipino man cheat in Manila, the rest cheat in Luzon, Visayas, Mindanao and other areas of outside the Philippines.

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – –
Interesting observations

1. Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that instead.

2. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a man married for 10 years look happy, we wonder why.

3. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.

4. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing – either the car is new or the wife is.

5. It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – –
Is there truth in these?

1. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

2. Marriage is man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

3. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – –
Interesting stories

1. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced!

2. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: AREN’T YOU WEARING YOUR RING ON THE WRONG FINGER? The other replied, YES, I AM. I MARRIED THE WRONG MAN.

What a new definition of woman, especially the last one ……

HARD-DISK Woman:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM Woman:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

WINDOWS Woman:
Everyone knows that she can’t do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

EXCEL Woman:
They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basic needs.

SCREENSAVER Woman:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

INTERNET Woman:
Difficult to access.

SERVER Woman:
Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA Woman:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.

CD-ROM Woman:
She is always faster and faster.

E-MAIL Woman:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

VIRUS Woman:
Also known as “WIFE”; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don’t try to uninstall her, you will lose everything……

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?

Operator: Yes, you can speak to me..

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this?

Caller: I’m Sam Wan .. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It’s urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone ! But what’s this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well… just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn’t an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don’t have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I’m Saw Ree ..

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry . Now give me your name!!

Operator: That’s what I said. I’m Saw Ree ..

Caller: Oh …..God…. …

> From –
Good Wan!